Sophie's Mom Has Got It Going On

The misadventures of Sophie, her mom, and dad.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Real life Barbie Dolls

Now don't kill me, I have a friend who lives in Baltimore who sent me this.
Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of Models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Baltimore Market:

Columbia Barbie:This princess Barbie is only sold at the Mall in Columbia. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.

Towson Barbie:This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Edmondson Avenue Barbie:This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Methadone Clinic Ken. Also available in a jailbird version with orange coveralls.

Federal Hill Barbie:This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Dundalk Barbie:This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers. She is available only at Eastpoint Mall.

Owings Mills Barbie:This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie has had more facelifts than she has fused fingers. She comes with a hairstyle that could withstand a hurricane, a mah-jongg set and an Infiniti which she can't drive and bitches about her kids not carting her around.

Glen Burnie Barbie:This "Classic" version has a mouth that is firmly closed so as not to show her summer teeth, Daisy Dukes so tight you can see camel toe, and a half T-shirt that guarantees you can see her naval piercing and at least 5 tattoos. She swears incessantly and is not recommended for children.

Pasadena Barbie:Available with your choice of 70's bitch-flip hairdos, a Ford Ranger pickup, and a pit bull. She is missing a front tooth. She swears incessantly and is not recommended for children. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28 and a corner bar.

Essex Barbie:This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted mullet-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28.

Canton Barbie:Has extremely dark fake tan, several tattoos, thick filled-in fingernails, big frosted and spiked hair. She comes with five-inchstrappy sandals and a skin-tight polyester/spandex dress just below her crotch. Options include a home gym, KIA Sportage or a dented Ford Mustang. She has several maxed-out credit cards, hon. Tattooed Ken with ninth-grade education and baggy blue jumpsuit sold separately.

DC Commuter Barbie:This Bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV, a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.

Hampden a/k/a "Hey Hon" Barbie:This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulderpads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut. Options include Ravens shirt, walmart purse and outdated shoes


Carroll County Barbie:This Barbie comes in jeans and a flannel t-shirt. She's missing several teeth and when you press the button on the bottom of her left cowboy boot she says 'Howdy ya'll!.' Her accessories include a beat up POS truck that's not on wheels, and a house that is. Options include John Deere tractor, scruffy dogs, and an empty 30 pack of Bud Light in case she's trying to watch her girlish figure). Beer-gut Ken and Knocked-up Kelly sold seperately


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